Merry Punchdancing Christmas!

I know that there aren't a lot of people that frequent this blog, and I am alright with that. For those of you that DO like to Punch Dance in the Woods from time to time, I want to send out my warmest Christmas wishes to you and your family. I wish nothing but the best for each and every one of you on this most important of holidays. 2010 has been a difficult year for a lot of people, but I hope that this Christmas has blessed you with love, friendship, and good cheer. For one day, let us all forget our worries and troubles, and sit down with those that matter most to us. I wish you all the merriest of Christmases. And what Christmas would be complete without a viewing of one of the best Christmas songs OF ALL TIME! Please enjoy Horatio, Jimmy, Chris, and Tracy, proclaiming their love for Christmas.

Say What?

It's been awhile since I last posted anything from our friend that speaks "Bennish". I'm not sure if that's because he just hasn't said anything stupid, which is HIGHLY unlikely, or because I just haven't been paying attention to him, which is more probable. However, today, he gave me a verbal jewel that is worthy of a Punchdance blog post.

This guy has a cold and is all snotty and coughy. Apparently, his normal inability to speak proper, coherent sentences has been affected moreso by this cold, as he exclaimed today:

"I have congested. It feels running."

Now, I am not fluent in "Bennish", but I would like to believe that he was trying to tell us that he was congested. And his nose was running, or runny. But...knowing this guy, he meant EXACTLY what he said.

His congested was running.

Things That Are Awesome

Danish Butter Cookies!

More specifically, Royal Dansk Danish Butter Cookies!

You know the ones. They're in the big-ass blue tin, at the bottom shelf on the cookie aisle, shunned by those bastardy elves and the cream-filled sandwiches.

I really don't know why they are so awesome. They are dry as hell. Like, licking a camel's armpit dry. There is just something about their flavor that just pops.

If you are unfamiliar with Royal Dansk Big-Ass Blue Tin Cookies, I'll give you the gist of them. Firstly, don't be fooled by what you see when you open the lid: There are really only 4 types of cookie, rather than the 5 that they lead you to believe are packaged. There is the Sugary Pretzel, the Sugary Rectangle, the swirl, and then the 2 crappy round ones. The cookies come in little bundles of 3 packed neatly in muffin wrappers for your "convenience", but if you're a pig like me, you just eat them straight out of the tin.

The 2 sugary cookies are undoubtedly the BEST of the tin. You can either eat these first and leave the rest of for your less-liked co-workers. Or, you can eat the not-as-good ones first, get that out of the way, and then spend the rest of the time indulging in the sugary awesomeness that is left. The choice is yours.

The swirly one looks like some sort of 4-year-old's Play Doh project. It's not nearly as good as the sugary  ones, because, well...it's not covered in sugar. Duh. It has a very buttery flavor, which KIND OF compensates, but not much.

Rumor has it that the crappy round cookies have unique flavors, such as coconut or something, and there may or may not be chocolate chips hidden in them. Perhaps, but they lack the sugary sugarness and/or sitck-o-butter flavor of the others. Therefore, I don't recognize them as being equals. They usually get left behind or tossed in the can. Royal Dansk could ultimately leave those guys out, and go to a 3-cookie tin. I wouldn't object one bit.

I highly suggest that you go and get a tin of these Dutch treats. I promise that you will enjoy them nearly as much as me. Hell, you might even form a different opinion of those circular ones. I say, to each his (or her) own. Just make sure you have a glass of milk on hand you wash them down with. Seriously...they're dry.

Smooth Criminal

I got a nice, fat envelope in the mail Tuesday afternoon from the City of Portsmouth Police Department.

It said the following:

To: Neal, John Russell Jr
(My Address...blah blah)

Charge: DOG AT LARGE

A warrant has been issued for your arrest. To save you the embarrassment of being arrested at your home or place of business, please come to the Police Records Unit of the Portsmouth Police Department, located (their address...blah blah) immediately.

Let me also note that I got this in the mail on Tuesday. The "no-later-than-date" was...TUESDAY.

A warrant for my arrest? WHAT? Apparently, I am a wanted criminal. Possibly even a felon.

And the charge? Larceny? Grand Theft Auto? Drunk In Public?

Nope.

DOG AT LARGE, plus 2 other charges. PLUS...I have 2 dogs, so three charges magically transforms into six. SIX warrants for my arrest.

Long story short...over the past 2 weeks, my 2 Rotty-mixes have tunneled themselves under my backyard fence and out into the real world. I actually lost track of how many times they got out, but they were picked up by Animal Control twice. I went to pick them up from the pound...twice. I paid to get them back...twice. $240 later, they are back in the yard. I figured that was the end of it.

Wrong.

When they got out, their collars and/or tags managed to stay behind. Therefore, when they arrived at the pound, there was no visible display of rabies vaccinations OR a city dog license. The good folks at the Portsmouth Humane Society felt that my $240 wasn't enough, so they turned me in to the fuzz. I didn't even get a courtesy call to inquire if I had the vaccinations and license.

Thanks, guys!

Now, 3 days before Christmas, I have to go to court and sort this mess out. I am sure that I will just have to bring proof of the crap that I was "missing". But, I will also have to pay the court fees. Not to mention the complete hassle of getting off work in the middle of the week to go to court for something as silly as this.

There are hookers and drug dealers working the streets of my city. I know...I pass them DAILY on my way to work.

But, there is a warrant for MY arrest. ME. Nice.

As Agent Simmons from Transformers said, "I'm a criminal. And criminals are HOT!"