Say What?

After a night of drinking with friends, and some events of the evening forgotten, this was said to me by a certain female individual, who's name has been respectfully requested to be withheld:

"Neal! How come when I woke up yesterday morning, there was a big chunk of metal in my pocket?"

Apparently, when leaving the pub, I found a metal square on the ground, about the size of a McDonald's cheeseburger. So, I gave it to this female friend, as a token of our everlasting friendship.

She didn't remember me giving it to her.

Some friend, huh.

Moobies

I have moobies.

For those that are unfamiliar with that term, it is basically short for "man boobies". Or, as Edward Norton put it so eloquently in Fight Club, I have "Bitch Tits".

Now, these moobies are a by-product of me being "slightly" overweight. My pectoral muscles, much like my abdominal muscles, have a layer of fat on top of them. And, much like the layer of fat over my abs pokes out in the form a gut, my pectoral fat pokes out...in the form of a boobie.

Now, my moobies aren't so big that I can't go shirtless at the beach (hell...when do I even go to the beach?), nor do I have to wear a bra. But, I am a little self conscious about it. I mean, I'm a dude. Dudes aren't supposed to have boobies. And if a dude DOES have boobies, those boobies aren't supposed to make some 12-year old girls jealous.

I'm just sayin'.

Cops Say The Darndest Things

So, I recently downloaded an application for my Android phone that allows me to listen to police scanner feeds from all over the country, in real-time. I haven't tested the accuracy of this "real-time" claim, but I am assuming that it is pretty close. Maybe just a little lag. Regardless, it's pretty cool. They don't have a feed yet for my ghetto-ass city (which they should, because Portsmouth is a cesspool for criminal activity), so I like to listen to the Columbus, Ohio Police Department feed, since I grew up in Columbus.

Mostly, there is just normal back-and-forth chatter between a squad car and a dispatcher. I haven't gotten anything super juicy yet, but I DID manage to catch a little bit of something that just made me chuckle.

Police: Unit 84.
Dispatcher: Go ahead, 84.
Police: Yeah, um... Are there any units nearby that ARE NOT allergic to poison ivy?

So, yeah...

I have a new respect for our boys in blue. They're out there protecting and serving, all hours of the day, dealing with drunk drivers, assaults, robberies, poison ivy.

Happy 4th Of July, Punch Dancers!

Good morning. In less than an hour, aircraft from here will join others from around the world. And you will be launching the largest aerial battle in this history of mankind.

Mankind...that word should have new meaning for all of us today.

We can't be consumed by our petty differences anymore.

We will be united in our common interests.

Perhaps its fate that today is the 4th of July, and you will once again be fighting for our freedom. Not from tyranny, oppression, or persecution...but from annihilation.

We're fighting for our right to live...to exist.

And should we win the day, the 4th of July will no longer be known as an American holiday, but as the day when the world declared in one voice:

"We will not go quietly into the night! We will not vanish without a fight!
We're going to live on! We're going to survive!"

Today, we celebrate our Independence Day!