Say What?

As visually described to me by a co-worker, who mixed a 2 quart packet of Crystal Light Fruit Punch with 2-3 cups of water and half-chugged it:

"Dude...that felt like Chuck Norris just judo-kicked me with a cherry."

Now, I know that Chuck Norris is the complete and final definition of awesome. But, I don't know what the hell a judo kick is, or how Chuck Norris would accomplish such a maneuver. Nor do I know what a cherry has anything to do with Chuck Norris OR judo kicking. However, judging by the look that swept over my co-worker's face as he consumed this magical concoction, it was not good at all.

And, of course, with any "not good" thing that a co-worker or friend tries and exhibits such a reaction to, I had to experience it for myself.

Yep, just as I expected.

I got judo-kicked. With a cherry. By Chuck Norris.

Walk A Moe Lay (Part 1)

Wait...what? What the hell does "walk a moe lay" mean? Well...it means "guacamole". At least, that's what it's supposed to mean. To me. It might not to you. Then again, this is my blog. And what I say goes. Sort of.

Anyway, this post is about guacamole. I recently discovered this tasty treat and have grown quite fond of it. While it's not as high on my list as pickles, it is slowly working its way up into the mix. I don't know why I am just now enjoying guacamole. Maybe it's due to the simple fact that I've never tried it before. It never interested me. I didn't "not" like it. I just never tried it. But, now that I have, I see what I have been missing. How could I not have tried this sooner?

When trying new foods, everyone comes to a point in their travels when they think, "Hey...I could make this." Or, even moreso, the ever-popular, "Hey...I could make this BETTER." I haven't had too many variations of guacamole, and generally stick to a brand called "Wholly Guacamole". It's just a basic guac, but it's quite tasty. I don't know if I could ever top a company that specializes in guacamole production, but I figured I would give the homemade approach a try.

Thus, I began the long and arduous journey of sifting through online recipes to find the perfect one. Recipe after recipe called for the same few ingredients: avocados, onions, tomatoes, and cilantro. There were a few odd balls additions, but all-in-all, they were all the same.

Then, I stumbled upon a recipe called "Easy Never Forgotten Guacamole" on the website allrecipes.com. It was created by a used named JULESKI. It incorporated cream cheese in the guac to make it a little thicker and creamier. I was intrigued, so I decided to roll with it.

I don't want this single post to get out of control, so I will end it here. Don't worry, faithful readers...I am going to post again in about 5 minutes with the recipe and results. Because I know that you are just dying to know what happens next.

Walk A Moe Lay (Part 2)

Hey, thanks for sticking around (or coming back...whichever). I'll be getting to the good stuff with this posting.

I am, by no means whatsoever, a chef. I can cook, but it usually consists of putting something in a microwave or opening a bag and emptying it into a skillet. I rarely attempt something from "scratch". But, this recipe seemed pretty easy, so I figured that I could handle it.

This recipe might "seem" long and drawn out, but I am going to pretend that the 4 of you reading this are as competent as I am when it comes to cooking and basically draw it out for you in crayon. Trust me, you *shouldn't* screw this up.

Onward with the guac!

Ingredients:

3 whole Hass avocados (really...are there any other types? I haven't seen any)

6 ounces of softened cream cheese

1 tablespoon of sour cream

2 tablespoons of salsa (whatever hotness your palate requires)

1 pinch of salt

1 dash of black pepper

1 dash of garlic salt

1 dash of onion powder

*some chopped cilantro

*half of a squeezed lime

The ingredients with a (*) next to them aren't included in the "actual" recipe, but were recommended by other guacamole lovers to enhance the flavor. So, I added them.

Also...I am not absolutely positive as to the difference between a "pinch" and a "dash". I just used "enough for me" which is a small amount in the palm of your hand. You can add more for taste, if you so desire.

Here are the ingredients used for the guacamole. Yep...everything's there.

 

First things first...cut your avocados somewhat in half. There is a giant seed inside, so be mindful of that. Use a larger knife, if possible, to power through them. This is what it should look like once you cut them. Take a spoon and scoop out the pits first. Then take the spoon and scoop out the "meat" of the avocado. Put the spoon directly in between the "meat" and the skin, then just scoop it. Pretty simple.

Here is the cream cheese. Yeah...I know it looks like the sour cream, but trust me, it's not. The recipe calls for 6 ounces. I could only find an 8 ounce tub from the store, so I used a heaping tablespoon. I know that it might not be exactly 6 ounces, but that's alright. I think the guacamole will survive. Basically, I used 3/4 of the 8 ounce tub.

Next, add the tablespoon of sour cream. This is about a tablespoon. Like I said, my measurements weren't "exact", but that's how I took this recipe and made it my own. Right? Right.

Next comes the salsa. Basically, it takes the onions and tomatoes that everyone else was calling for and adds them in one easy step. Plus, it gives you, the chef, the ability to kick your guac up a notch or two. I prefer my guac on the bottom notch, so I opted to go with the wussy mild salsa. Hey...don't judge me. Throw two tablespoons of salsa into the mix. Or, if you wish for a little more kick, add a couple more tablespoons. As the late, great Bob Ross once told us, "There are no mistakes. Only happy accidents."

Once all of your main ingredients are in the bowl, you can add the dashes and pinches of your spices. Then, cut yourself a lime in half. Squeeze one of those halves into the bowl. It doesn't matter which half you squeeze in, it will all taste the same. Trust me. Then chop up some cilantro. I kind of have to go into the cilantro step a little further, although there are no pictures for it.

I have never used cilantro before. Never ever. So, I had no clue what to do with it. After a little research and trial-and-error, I finally figured it out. So, here is what you do: pull the cilantro leaves off the stems. I used about 12-15 stems worth of leaves. You can use more if you like. I really don't know how much to tell you to use, since it isn't part of the actual recipe. But, the amount I used seemed to be enough. Once you have removed the leaves from their stems, chop the mess out of them. Make them tiny. Have fun with it. Make sure to use a cutting board, and not your glasstop stove.

Once you have added your spices, half of squeezed lime, and cilantro, take a potato masher and start mashing the hell out of your combined ingredients.

Mash, mash, mash, then stir. After stirring, mash some more. Keep mashing. Then stir again. Alternate mashing and stirring until you get a consistency that resembles homemade mashed potatoes. If you have some chunky bits, that's alright. They add to the flavor.

Once you are done mashing and stirring, well, you're done. Congratulations! That's it. Put down your kitchen weaponry, clean up the mess that you surely made, and grab yourself a bag of tortilla chips. Taste your guacamole. Mmm...delicious, right? If not, you might want to add some more salt or onion powder. If you do, that's alright. I added a little more salt my first time. It was a little bland at first.

Hopefully, you hung around long enough and are now here at the end of this post. And, hopefully if you made it this far, all those directions above made enough sense that you were able to produce a tasty batch of guac, provided that you actually attempted to make said guac. If your guacamole didn't turn out as tasty as mine, I apologize. You probably did something wrong. Like I said, I'm not a chef. And, I didn't follow the original recipe to an exact "T".

Oh...the guacamole will still start to turn brown after a day or so, although the lime juice will help preserve it some. Be sure to stir it up at least once a day to keep it as fresh-tasting as possible. With any luck, though, your guacamole will be so scrumptious that it won't last long enough to get brown.

Happy eating!

Little John....A Year In Review

I normally try to keep my bloggings as light-hearted and as humorous as the topic will allow. But, for this post, I want to take a tiny step back from that for a brief moment and get a little personal.

Anyone who actually knows me is well aware of the fact that I am a father of two beautiful boys: John 3 (16 months) and Jacob (5 months).

I recently went through some of Little John's photos that we have taken over the past year and put together a little photo timeline of the past year of his life. Most of these pictures are on Facebook and have probably been seen at some point or another. But, they tend to get piled up on one another and forgotten once newer photos are posted.

The hardest part was finding just one photo for each month, as there have been so many good ones.

Here is Little John...13 months in the making.

Thinking About Drum Solos

"In The Air Tonight" is an awesome song by Phil Collins from way back in 1981. It was the first song that he released during his solo career, and it quite possibly his best and most well-known song. Eminem sung about it in his song "Stan". Stewie Griffin sung it on "The Family Guy". And even Mike Tyson sung it in "The Hangover". Like I said...it is an awesome song.

On to the point of this posting. I work with 10-12 other people and am currently on the mid-watch rotation, working 6PM to 6AM. During these mid-watch rotations, we like to have a little fun and run a more relaxed watch floor. Usually, someone will bring in their iPod and play DJ for the night. On this particular night, there was a block of 1980s music. Phil Collins just happened to be in that block of music.

Shortly before Phil Collins came on, I had to go think on the thinking chair. Halfway through my thinking process, I was abruptly interrupted by a co-worker. He proceeded to utter the phrase that every man dreads hearing: "Dude, you'll never believe what you just missed."

You see, while I was gone, "In The Air Tonight" began playing through the speakers. At the time of the song, there were 7 people sitting in the office, most of which were singing along quietly to themselves. I was not one of these 7 people. If I had been, there would be no quiet singing.

Like I said, this is an awesome song. But, something happens at the 3:41 mark. Something amazing. Something magical. There is a drum solo that is quite short (maybe 3-4 seconds) and not all that impressive in and of itself. But, the build-up before the solo, and the timing of the solo, make this a drum solo unlike any other. It is a drum solo that causes the likes of drummers Neal Peart (of the band "Rush") or Rick Allen (the one-armed drummer from the band "Def Leppard") to stand up and salute. Or weep. Or weep while saluting.

I mentioned before that most of the 7 people on the watch floor were quietly singing the song to themselves. All that changed 3 minutes and 41 seconds into the song. At this precise moment, as if by some telepathic and unplanned act of God, everyone looked up from their work and performed a drum solo so perfect, so in-unison, that it could not be reproduced, even if it were pre-planned and rehearsed. And, not only did everyone perform this drum solo to the highest standards of Phil Collins, everyone made the sound effects to go along with their awesome solos. Do-do, do-do, do-do, do-do, do, do. Just like that. Like I said, it was perfect.

And...I wasn't there.

I had to hear about it second-hand, while I was sitting in my thinking chair...thinking.

I'm Still Alive

While the title for this posting is an awesome Pearl Jam song, that is not the reason I am posting. I am posting to let those few people that read Punch Dance in the Woods that I am still here. I realize that I haven't posted anything since 01 MAY, and that is not very cool of me.

I really don't have a reason for not posting for such a long time. I actually sat and tried to think of a decent excuse, but I couldn't come up with one. I wasn't abducted by aliens. I didn't die while saving kittens from a burning apartment. I wasn't at Space Camp training for an upcoming trip to the moon. I just didn't blog.

I had thought about blogging on numerous occasions. I tried to muster up the will to do so. However, I didn't. And, in all honesty, there really wasn't much to blog about. I did a few things here and there, but nothing particularly blog-worthy. I  mean, nothing that I could've even did a recap of. It's been a fairly blah 41 days since my last posting.

I hope that I still have my followers, though. I hope that I haven't disappointed them to the point of them defecting to another blog. However, I could certainly understand if that were the case. If I were following a blog and there was a sudden halt in activity, I would move on, too.

I am going to try my very best to keep up with my blog. I already have my next post in mind and it will be up before too long. I will search for things to blog about. I am going to experiment with some new ideas and see what happens. I have not been a very good blog host, and I sincerely aplolgize for that. I hope that my readers can find it in their heart of hearts to forgive me and allow me another chance to be the blogger that you want me to be.